FINALLY. I found evidence that the song exists. I thought it might've been a regional hit or a figment of my imagination, but I found one other person who has heard this song: user @piezoman on a niche online forum. He wrote a post asking people for help identifying a song he heard in the 90's. The lyrics he posted were identical to the ones I've posted. He even uploaded a youtube video playing the intro to the song on his guitar. No replies. I've tried reaching out to him myself, but he hasn't replied to me yet.
The only thing is... @piezoman writes he is posting from Trinidad and Tobego, which means that this song must have been played internationally. That makes it even stranger that there's no trace of it anywhere online. Not only that, not a single person I know has heard the song.